I lied when I said I would only post something earnest and from the heart once a year. I feel a pressing need to follow up that first earnest post with this post, which is also going to be earnest. Because once you start getting real and being open, it seems you can't stop. A dam bursts and the naked, wincing, vulnerable real me must out.
I've always resisted what people have told me. I've always resisted the truth: I am negative person. And negativity —despite what I have said in praise of it—is not a positive thing. (That is why it is called "negativity" and not "positivity"!) But I'm willing to set all that aside for now and give the other side a chance. I'm not totally making a commitment to positivity. And I am not totally saying "Cheers, negativity! Thanks and goodbye and have a bad life without me!" But I am saying that I am a little over it. I am a little bit over this whole crabby thing. I want change. It gets old beating the same drum. And to grow as a person one needs to be open to suggestion.
So I'm willing to try medication.
I've been fighting it all my adult life, but when my good friend, Jege, who is very similar in disposition to me, suggested I try something that she herself has found to be helpful, I thought why the heck not? In the words of many a Miss Universe, I'll try anything once. And every day is an adventure. And life is for living to your fullest potential. And we need to help solve poverty and homelessness. And I really want to work in orphanages. And all that. And I do. But for now, it's baby steps. I mean, if you're going to work in an orphanage and such, you can't be all negative and peppery with the children.
For me, baby steps means first and foremost giving up this persona I have been fighting against for so long, and showing who I really am. But for that to happen I need help. You know, people, it takes a lot to lay down the lance and say "I have a problem." It's easy to cloud the issue with irony, laughter, snorting, contempt. And I think many of you know what I am only just beginning to see: that it's easy to point at others and laugh, but inside, you may be crying. Which is why you are pointing your finger at others. To stop people from looking at you and saying, "Wow, that girl is completely bloody crying inside!" (Not that you can literally see inside me but I think you know what I mean. Which is to say that I am not literally crying either but in fact, metaphorically crying on my metaphorical insides, which you can see if you are prone to metaphors and good at visualization.)
To cut a long story short, I'm tired of fighting. And ready to give the following a shot (some of you might want to try it too). [Please click on the image to enlarge; I can't for the life of me save this at the right size]
Saturday, April 5, 2008