Wednesday, December 31, 2008

It's a Tripp!

I am taking my blogging finger off hiatus to report for those few of you who have not yet heard the breaking news:

Bristol Palin and her smoldery genius-lover Levi Johnston have had their baby. And his name is TRIPP. She's a traditional girl, that Bristol, and one can assume the moniker was selected for its classical Palin qualities. Fitting in with uncles Track and Trig, Tripp is the next in a what is sure to be a long line of monosyllabia from Wasilla.

WELL done, Bristol.

For those of you hankering for Crabmommy while she affects hibernation, me and my blogging finger might be ignoring you here on Blogger, but we're still on at the bloglet, as ever, musing on resolutions, family life, and all manner of important trivia, right here and also, neatly summarized by topic as follows:

Girl talk: it's not a snowman, it's a snowgirl chez us.
Super-spouse: behind every competent husband there's an incompetent wife. Or so I've found...

Tonight I will be making New Year's resolutions at the bloglet too, and hoping to be less feeble about keeping them. So far I have only one and it is both astonishingly boring and incredibly challenging for me: I will drink water in 2009.

I hate water. I'm actually allergic to it. Even as I type I am so dry and shriveled that I could rival the ancient packet of raisins I just found in my travel bag which I believe were purchased in South Africa circa 1999. As I type my blogging finger has riven in two, so cracked is it from total dehydration. Said finger is all shriveled and crispy-like, and still I cannot bring my bark-dry lips to drink a cup of water. Until 2009 when I plan to remediate the problem.

Resolutions, you? Any good ones?

Thursday, December 18, 2008

Way Happy Holiday Newsletter!

Salutations, one and all:

I regret to inform you that I did not manage to get around to taking and posting any sort of holiday greeting, comprising a snapshot of our family in matching JCrew sweaters chortling spontaneously and giving the impression that all is well at our house.

Happily, I did manage to write a holiday newsletter. Counter to Crabmommy character, it is way positive because even though I frequently write negative self-pitying sorts of anecdotes, I do nevertheless know that I am in an awesome orbit of this thing called life, and when all is said and done I know that I ROCK hugely! And so does everything and everyone whose lives touch mine.

Here's an excerpt:

It's been a busy year in the lives of the Crabfamily. We moved from rural Crabtown to Crabcity, left friends and enemies behind and are busily making new ones. But change is good! Unless, of course, it's bad. In which case it would not be not good at all.

Thankfully we feel much happier in Crabcity, or at least, Crabmom does—and as we all know a happy mommy is the most important part of any family. I love being back in the urban jungle, even if my particular choice of city puts me in touch with the occasional fascist hippie-mama with whom I might tussle in a verbally abusive exchange on a street corner. But all in all I enjoy taking Crabkid out to parks and playgrounds to mingle with a diverse multi-culti crowd and display her talents and charm to a wider audience.

Please go here to read it all and in fact, to read any Crabmommy musings in the next couple of weeks. My blogging finger is going on a vacation. Me, I'm doing a staycation, but my blogging finger is going to Me-Hi-co.

May you and yours enjoy a snippet of snow, a jingle of bells, a crazy-amazing Kwanzaa, a Hanukkah so happy the minora practically levitates off your windowsill—unless you're Bernie Madoff, and if you are I suggest you lie very low and avoid noshing any food brought to you by your relatives, for it may be kosher but it may also be poisoned. Seriously, Bernie. I'd even nix the Wolferman's muffins this year.

And thank you, yes, I will delight in all that Festivus brings to my me and mine.

Your friend, who truly is grateful—without reservation or irony—to have you as my reader,


Tuesday, December 16, 2008

Toy Story: Should Safety Really Come First?


I'm freaking over a new measure that will drastically affect all those cute toymaking people at Etsy or in your local craft fair. See my latest bloglet post:

I just learned that on account of a stringent new safety measure passed by the new Consumer Product Safety Improvement Act (CPSIA), our toy-making friends at Etsy and anyone else who makes fantabulous handmade objects of delight for children may soon be history.

The measure is designed to protect us from the freaky stuff in mass-produced toys, after the recalls on Chinese-made products got the nation into a tizzy over safety.

Like any parent with a titch of common sense, I'm all for the banning of lead and those other un-spellable dangerous compounds. I'm all for asking corporations to show us that their mass-produced toys are safe. But the CPSIA Act mandates that smaller handmade, artisanal-type businesses in Europe, Canada, and the US also roll out new tests and comply with an expensive new regulatory process that will drive most of them out of business.

And for what? It all seems a touch absurd, since we haven't had any problems with Waldorf dolls from Wisconsin, Pinocchio puppets from Prague, or wooden teethers from Winnipeg.

Please go here to read the complete story and add your two cents if you so desire. Seriously, I am so over all this safety hysteria in parenting. I just saw on a mommy noticeboard some dufus mother was worried that a Christmas poinsettia would pose a danger to her infant.

Yes, a Christmas poinsettia is going to kill your tot!

I mean, hey. Maybe she has a point. Maybe we need to get some legislation on Christmas vegetation. What if an infant gummed your wreath before you put it up and got a pine cone lodged in his throat! And maybe we need to extend this legislation to include food baskets. After all, it is entirely possible that your toddler could shove a Harry and David cashew up her nostril.

Shall we take action? Want to join me? Shall we write to Obama and ask him to add poinsettias and Christmas cashews to his list of national threats? LET'S!

Wednesday, December 10, 2008

Swagilicious! Girls' winter jacket giveaway

This giveaway is now over! And the winner is..."The West Coast Elkies!" WCE, please be in touch with me and I will get you your swagilicious jacket! YAY!

Chilly yet where you are? Here in Crabcity we feel positively tropical compared with the Wyoming freezover of our erstwhile home in Crabtown, but it's still dang cold. I mean, Pacific NW cold: wet, dark, damp, like living in an armpit for about six months of the year. Except it smells better.

So yes, we are cold and grumpy. But thanks to my swell friends at Lands' End, I can kit out the kid in this delightful Girls' Weatherly Jacket, and so can you if you win this giveaway, you luckymommy!

Nothing is more depressing and potentially traumatizing to all concerned than shoving a tot into a massive puff of a winter jacket. Which is why I dig Lands' End's offering. It's warm, but not bulky, but with a temp rating of +5°/-15° Fahrenheit, it will def keep your tot toasty unless you plan to take them on some super-extreme heli-ski adventure during a deadly cold snap (and if you're one of those intensivo Crabtown athleti-moms, I know you will)!

Back to the jacket, check the pic and the stats:
* Nylon shell with DriOff® finish: water beads up and rolls off
* Exclusive PolarThin® insulation in body and hood for warmth without bulk
* Sherpa Fleece lining for cozy softness
* Slightly fitted waist with adjustable tabs in back
* Microfleece-lined handwarmer pockets behind exterior cargo pockets
* Rip-grip adjustable cuffs

Available in a range of sizes from toddler through to big girl. Also available in various of colors, but of course Crabkid's is...can you guess?...Yes! You're right! BUT HOW DID YOU KNOW?!

So put your name in the hat, ladies, and the kind folks at Lands' End will send the lucky winner a freebie. And if you don't win, don't feel crushed. The jackets are on sale right now at $49.50, here, and after ponying up major bucks for all the Patagonias in my past, I can safely say this this is a score. It's slim and trim but warm and snug, keeping your bug in a rug-like vibe without the padding. Double-yay!

Rules: Put your name in the comments. No need to be fancy or witty with the comment itself though I always appreciate it if you are. No anonymous comments, por favor. Or at least, if you're anon, put an email contact in there for me. I will run this giveaway through...heck...Sunday night, Dec 14! At 10 Linkpm I will rouse Crabkid from her slumber and have her pick a random winner.

p.s. Looking for deeper Crabmommy musings today? Don't be disappointed! They're at the bloglet. In the latest installment of The Momocrite Diaries I talk about judging other moms and how I jis' can't help myself...Come judge me for judging you!

Monday, December 8, 2008

Shortest Post in Crabmom History

I know it's wrong.
But I feel sorry for O.J.

There. I said it. I can't help it. I just do. I don't know why.

I know he's a murderer. But I always feel sorry for the wrong people.
Anybody else? Or am I a MONSTER?

Friday, December 5, 2008

Swagilicious! Crabby's fabby loot!

Still looking for Xmas/ Kwanzaa/ Hanukkah/Festivus prezzies for the loved ones? Perchance I can help!

I spent what felt like 100 hours scouring Etsy for my best $20 and under holiday present picks. Etsy truly is the store of my cheapmommy heart, but it takes a discerning Crabacious eye to sift through some of the MONUMENTALLY ugly stuff up there and find you the treasures. But I did it. Because I'm cool like that.

My fave is probably this "girl with hula hoop" stationery, which is personalized by color and name of your choice and is sweet for a girl or a mom. Go to the bloglet for more, and for a discount on the stationery if you order by Dec 15. Click along, then!

Tuesday, December 2, 2008

Crabmommy Interview! Check it, yo!

CityMommy has just posted a lengthy interview with the Crabmommy, complete with a real and actual and recent shot of me with my chin perched atop my hand.

Here's a sample of this convo:

CityMommy: You blog, you raise Crabkid, you engage in tampon wiener craft activities, you run a do you do it, Crabmommy?

Crabmommy: Let me tell you a little secret, mom to mom: I never recycle. All those hours that the rest of you moms put into wiping and folding tin foil, scrubbing out plastic trays of takeout vindaloo, and rinsing anchovy jars? I just stuff it ALL into the garbage. Every last bit! What a time-saver!
JK, people. JK. I live in the world capital of recycling. If I didn't recycle the eco-fascists (whom I totally dig and am grateful for) would come and yank me out of my blogging chair and put me into the garbage themselves.

The real and honest and not-ironic interview is here, for those of you who just can't get enough of who, why, what, and how much when it comes to Crabmommy. Real and sincere tips on blogging. Completely candid chat about momhood and writing from the crab POV. It's a rare thing.

You could also skip all that and instead sample this utterly hilarious video, brought to me courtesy of my pen-pal, Libba. Watch it again. And again. Even if you got laid off today I guarantee you will laugh. It's that good.