It's that time of the year. When you have to get a swimsuit. And showcase those wibbly bums, swinging underarms, and jibbly mom-tummies to the world.
Ah, summer in a swimsuit! Not so easy for the postpartumites among us. Or those of us who like to use spawning offspring as an excuse for getting zero exercise.
Thankfully a flattering swimsuit can do serious damage control, and ladies, I have 'em for you, right here. Land's End is offering $100 in the form of a swaggy gift card, exclusively available from Crabmommy. Yes, there are those of you who, it seems, feel that my Dollar Store prizes just aren't cutting it. And there are also many of you out there in blogspace who troll blogs for the free and swagilicious treats that may be offered therein. And so I welcome you, one and all, mommy vultures seeking free stuff, and loyal readers who might be a tad tired of my cheapmommy offerings.
Back to swimming, I think many of us feel we don't have quite the mombod we'd like to have. Me, I have a
mom-flap. I also call it my blog-flap. But Land's End can help. Because they're making these quite fab sucky-inny sexy fat-smooshing suits that make a jigglebod look quite svelte. For example, you've got your:
Slenderizer Swimsuits. "Built with a revolutionary fabric with slimming power, these suits can slim a silhouette in seconds. The suits range from tankinis and one-piece tanks to skirted styles and halters with all-over slimming power." Cool beans!
Crabmommy best likes
Isola: "Inspired by the elegance of Venice, these suits bring fashion from the runways to the beach with designer touches such as ruching, silver hardware, side piping and emphasized necklines." Basically what you're talking about here is suities that make you look all retro-glam as though you're about to push off to Positano for the summer on your yacht.
There's one that makes me think of Monica Vitti in
L'Avventura. Or if your hubby doesn't make you watch posh old Italian films, then think Gwynnie in the
Talented Mr. Ripley. So the point is, if you're feeling chunky, or even if you 'aint (whoever you are, we hate you), Land's End will give you a spot of bodacious glamor if you win this giveaway. And if you don't like anything in the catalogue, you can sign up for a
Custom Suit from these good peeps, where you pick fabric, cut, color etc.
Can anyone say "ridiculously swagtastic!"?
Now we get to the tricky part. You want your $100 gift card. But I want something too. I want, and need, your good comments. And so I'm going to ask you to hotclick it over to
the bloglet, read my piece on lame parenting advice, and come back to me with an answer to the question posed at the end. Post your answer either in my comments here on this post, or else at the Cookie bloglet page and I will check both. The best answer wins.
What's this? you say. I have to work for my gift card? You bet your booty. Peeps, you want free gear, you have to quid pro quo me. We all do shameful things for money. Some of us turn tricks. Some of us make people comment on our blogs. Some of us troll the internet all day looking for free stuff. It's all good!!
So check out
the post, give me your funniest/silliest/lamest answer, and I will put you in line to win the
Land's End $100 prize. The competition closes one week from today. Got it?
$100 of swimsuit sassiness from Land's End. With your name on it.
Yay! (And if anyone can tell me how to stop Blogger from formatting my posts with this mysterious single-and double-spaced-in-combination nonsense, hey, your name's in the running too.)
There's one that makes me think of Monica Vitti in L'Avventura. Or if your hubby doesn't make you watch posh old Italian films, then think Gwynnie in the Talented Mr. Ripley. 
22 comments:
The last bathing suit I bought was a maternity tent for my FIRST child so I am desperately searching my mental files for an unsolicited piece of "helpful" advice.
My MIL was (is) infamous for sharing tidbits of wisdom. Of course, she always started her statements with, "Well, do what you want, but I...."
I could not breastfeed either of my kids (a sore spot for me). During my first 2 weeks postpartum with both, she called several times DAILY to make sure I was still trying. She kept saying, "Breast is best" which was always followed with, "But do whatever you want." When I finally succumbed to the fact that my body just couldn't do the job, I felt her ridicule across the miles.
I don't know if that's advice or a gripe, but it felt good to b**** about it!
I think the most lame advice I've ever been given is in regards to potty training. Keep in mind my son is only 18 months old, so we're no where near potty training. He is, however, interested in the potty, so I bought him one of his own and he sits on it when the mood strikes him. I told this to a friend with 3 children, 2 of whom she has potty trained. Her advice was when we finally decide to potty train to just pick a weekend and spend it a home. Sounds good so far, right? While at home, let your child spend the entire day naked. Every time the kid squats down to either pee or poo pick him up and rush him to the toilet. He will eventually get the idea and go to the toilet himself. She explained this with such seriousness that I felt I couldn't comment at all. Then she said, "Of course, we did have to have our carpets professionally cleaned because it took us several weekends." Um yeah, it took her so many weekends that she resorted to another and, dare I say, saner and more sanitary method--like using training pants and a reward system. Lame and crazy advice indeed!
I was given a book called "To Train Up a Child." It was filled with the worst advice for how to raise (borderline abuse) a baby. The first chapter is called "Switch your Kids."
Here is an excerpt:
"TRAINING NOT TO TOUCH
There is much satisfaction in training up a child. It is easy and challenging. When my children were able to crawl (in the case of one, roll) around the room, I set up training sessions.
Try it yourself. Place an appealing object where they can reach it, maybe in a "No-no" corner or on an apple juice table (That's where the coffee table once sat). When they spy it and make a dive for it, in a calm voice say, "No, don't touch it." They will already be familiar with the "No," so they will pause, look at you in wonder and then turn around and grab it. Switch their hand once and simultaneously say, "No." Remember, you are not disciplining, you are training. One spat with a little switch is enough. They will again pull back their hand and consider the relationship between the object, their desire, the command and the little reinforcing pain. It may take several times, but if you are consistent, they will learn to consistently obey, even in your absence."
The entire book is just as appalling. I was completely shocked by this book and by my friend's endorsement of it. I returned the book, let her know what I thought of it, and didn't feel at all bad about offending her.
There are more shocking excerpts from the book here:
http://www.gospeltruth.net/children/pearl_tuac.htm
My most lame advice ever, compliments of my Grandma:
Women shouldn't hold infants while menstruating because it will give them colic.
The grandma/menstruating woman thing will be tough to beat. But... I will omit the giver of this charmer: "Babies cry to get exercise. He doesn't need anything, so you should let him cry and have his exercise." I believe I may have said, "that's retarded." The same person posited that it doesn't hurt kids to fall on sidewalks as much because they're closer to the ground. I offered to put him, sitting, on a skateboard (so he'd be close to the ground), get a running start and shove him over, so we could see if it hurt less when he was close to the ground. He declined.
Oh this one is priceless- and from my mother-in-law no less. Before my daughter was born, we were talking with my inlaws about how we were trying to pick out the big items for the new baby. My mil informed us that we should not buy those "rounded infant car seats." When we said that that was the only variety offered for transporting infants- she told us how bad they are for infants spinal development and that "there are things that you can't do once you have a baby (aka sacrifices that need to be made.)" Evidentally coming home from the hospital isn't important. When we asked what she thought we should do she told us how they traveled with their children in a moses basket in the back of the car...ya that sounds much safer.
I'm not technically a parent but there is rarely a time I don't have someone's child hanging off of me.
I was taking care of some persons child and they told me not to hold him very much and to keep him in the bouncer or in the crib. They said they didn't want him to get used to being held so that they wouldn't have to hold him all the time.
All I could think was "WHAT! You don't hold your baby!" After they left, I held that baby and gave him some snuggle time.
(Ok I usually follow parents instructions for their children. They do after all belong to them. but to not hold your baby at all seemed harsh to me. I felt a little extra cuddle time was appropriate. The child was an infant after all)
Easy. I wasted so much money truing to figure out what I liked in the way of newborn necessities. It's not the sexiest gift, but I give moms options.
A SaraBear diaper caddy stocked with assorted diapers (so that new moms can figure out which brand works - Pampers NEVER kept the pee or shit explosions in), different types of wipes, breast milk storage bags and nursing pads (if they are planning to nurse), and good old fashioned flour sack type cloths to use as light blankets, burp cloths and little changing mats.
I LOVE the Land's End fat sucking-in swimsuits AND I was planning to get a new one this year.
Okay, my most lame parenting advice was how to train my toddler(18mos.) and his 3 year old brother to sit still in church.
The idea was to spend time every afternoon (you know, because childen are so fresh and cooperative in the afternoon) holding them firmly on my lap, in silence (because we ARE practicing for church), begginning with 15 minutes and working up a little longer each day until my children would sit calmly on my lap for an hour an a half without a struggle.
I didn't even try it. First of all, I was out numbered, two of them one of me, forced silence in the afternoon. Not likely. Second, I just thought it was kind of mean.
This same fountain of good intentions(my mother-in-law) also suggested that to potty train my then 18 month old son I should get a chair with a strap and a tray and make him sit in it for 30 minutes at a time throughout the day. Once and hour or something. Again, the idea of forcing an 18 month old to sit still like that just struck me as wrong.
wow, writing this is reminding me of all kinds of "helpful" tips I've been given by my MIL over the years and bringing back waves of repressed annoyance. Thanks.
So the crazy advice wasn't so much the advice itself, but the messenger. First, I'll set the scene.
When we had our first daughter we lived in the "red light district" of a small Eurpoean town. Hardly the infamous Amsterdam, but nonetheless, there were several "Ladies of Paquis" as I called them (although no telling if they were, in fact, ladies) that I came to recognize by (ahem) face.
One fall day, while walking home carrying groceries in one hand and pushing the stroller in the other, one of the buxom and barely clad "ladies" told me that my daughter was crying becuase she was cold and I needed to cover her better.
A bit of pot and kettle here?
My favorite piece of advice came from my MIL. My daughter, born in a July heatwave, 90 plus temperatures should always have a blanket, jacket and hat on her head to keep her warm. Babies can't regulate their temperature you know. I am not talking summer hat here, I am talking fleece! Crazy B***ch!
jenarow@yahoo.com
I hope I'm not too late to enter! I have 3 c-sections worth of tummy flab that needs concealing in one of those magic Land's End swimsuits :)
The lamest/stupidest/most jaw dropping "advice" I ever got was from my Great-Aunt, who took a look at my daughter as an infant and told me I needed to tape her ears back at night so that they wouldn't stick out so much. She was serious.
Gotta love the great advice people give! Mine came before I ever had a baby.
I was pregnant at the time and working in college as a custodian for the dorms. An older lady in her early 60's was my supervisor. She was not the brightest crayon in the box, but nice for the most part. One day I must have forgotten that pregnant women should be glowing and happy at all moments (I was, after all, cleaning pee off of walls) and I was a bit grumpy. My supervisor says to me "You know, a crabby mommy makes a crabby baby". I wanted to punch her right in the face.
My baby ended up being anything but crabby, although at 7 he has his moments!
I had a VERY 'crunchy' friend suggest that I request the hospital save my placenta and give it to me after birthing my son, so that we could take it home and I could make a placenta pie (she gave me the recipe) for the family to share. Apparently, it's full of great nutrients and like all other 'mystery' meats it tastes like chicken.
GAG ...
MK xo
My in-laws told me it was important never to eat in front of a male child unless the child was eating as well. It's ok to eat in front of a female child, but with boys, it makes them weak or lazy or something. No one could say for sure why. So they wanted to share Christmas dinner with my 4-month old.
I'm thankful that they're lovely people and didn't press the issue, but it wasn't the last time I heard about it.
I think my favorite worst piece of advise came from a dreadful book we were given, written by a prominent Christian right author. It was called something like "On Raising Boys". I won't even go into to all the details, but the fact that there is a chapter explaining how boys turn out gay, with tips on preventing it happening, sealed the deal. I never got much beyond the chapter headings. What is worse is it was given to me by my brother who has since had a son...at what point do I tell him I threw out the book and so should he?!
oh one more...
One day, while pushing the stroller in a desperate attempt to get my son to sleep, I had covered the front of the stroller with a light blanket so he could not see out (a trick that always got him to sleep). On this particular day he was not cooperating and was thrashing around inside the stroller and kicking at the blanket and complaining loudly. A very concerned citizen crossed the sidewalk to inform me that my poor son couldn't see out and I needed to raise the blanket. I think I just looked at her with that blank stare of a desperate mom who is too exhausted to respond to such dumb advice.
Here goes, Crabmommy.
My story takes place in the danger zone better known as the dairy section of the grocery store where I had innocently dropped in to get some milk. My daughter was snuggled up next to me, legs dangling, in her beloved front carrier. It was a nice spring day and I thought she was dressed appropriately enough, but apparently I was wrong. From the corner of my eye I noticed a very concerned looking woman approaching us with great urgency. I protectively brought my hand to my daughter's back. The woman looked so serious. She scolded, "Miss, you should NEVER bring your baby into the refrigerated section of the store without a hat!" I paused to compose myself and then as politely as possible assured her that I thought we'd be just fine. I figured that was the end of it and turned my attention back to selecting my milk. But this was not over. She PURSUED me through the store, clucking along after me like a fretful chicken saying, "I don't mean to offend you, but I just thought you should know because so many mothers wonder why their babies are sick and have trouble sleeping...brok brok brok BRROKKK.
I finally turned to face her, stared her down and said, " My daughter is very healthy and has no trouble sleeping thank you very much. Good day, Madam! I said GOOD DAY." I did not really say the "good day" part, but I kind of seems like I should have, don't you think?
Rebecca! But of course you should have said "Good day." In my mind, you did.
Pennyroo--that's some seriously freaktastically twisted advice. Placentacake, mk--YUM! bklynmama, ah es, the old kindly stranger-on-the-street good common sense. Thank god for stranger son the street, for if not, our children woul all asphyxiate under their blankies!!!
Great stuff ladies. I'll let this go on a day or so and then close out with my winner. Hmmm, comeptition is already TOUGH! Many other juicy nuggets in here too. Well done one and all!
and ahem, sorry for the typos. I'm a lazymomblogger today. Can't even sign in with my appropriate home-ID address, so I too have to go through that insane word verification. sheesh, that thing is hard!! sorry, gang!
Ladies, te comp is officially closed and I will disclose the winner in a post forthcoming in the next few mins or later today depending on Crabtot here and my weak-ish internet signal.
Just to say i thoroughly enjoyed all these responses. We should write a book. You know, on of those pocket books at Amazon, the impulse buy: Lame Parenting Advice (by anonymous moms who don't want MILs, Grandmas etc. coming after us...)
I know the contest's over, but I still had to share this classic tidbit from my MIL. She came right after we had our daughter and did little beyond stress me out with her crazy-talk the whole time, while my mom was cooking up a storm. Didn't even want to hold the first grandchild in more than 20 years, who was only her second grandchild, period. I had a c-section and had a hard recovery with infection, plus my dad was terminally ill and so I was dealing with some depression, too. These troubles were compounded by milk supply issues that caused a drastic weight loss in our baby, to the point that we almost hit failure to thrive territory. After our third lactation consultant visited, I was power-pumping after every feed to try to increase my milk supply, so my husband stayed home for a few days. This was a few weeks after his original paternity leave. My MIL (who did not attempt to breastfeed and actually used a bottle propper so she wouldn't have to waste precious time bonding with her children whilst feeding them but could leave them alone in their cribs with the food) helpfully said to me one morning, "One person can do it all, you know." I'm still mad.
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