I know I said I wouldn't get personal on this site. But I received the following email. From an acquaintance. Let me repeat that: she is not my friend; she is a playground acquaintance. And if she were my friend, she would no longer be after this:This September, we found out, we will be giving XXX the gift of a SISTER!!!!!!!!!!! :) This little, EXTREMELY active girl inside of me looked PERFECT on the advanced ultrasound yesterday!!! The doc said her heart looked "weepingly" beautiful.....and everything was in place where it should be! :) He used technical terms for everything......but all in all she was good to go! :)No, this is not a joke. You have just met Crabtown's own Multimedia Mommy. People, how could I have given her my email address? I do not know. I don't recall her asking for it. But sweet Jesus, I evidently gave it, and I have been paying for it ever since.
Everyone has an MM in their midst, albeit probably not one as cracked as ours. A Multimedia Mommy is the mom who, with her constant need for others to adore her spawn as much as she does, has annoyed us all since time immemorial. But the digital revolution has only made her more dreadful and given her new platforms on which to perform her parental braggery.
Some sample offenses:
1. Multimedia Mommy shows you—and everyone else she barely knows—her 6-week sonogram.
MM, here's a rule of thumb: if you have to point out the anatomy to me ("see, this looks like the head but it's actually the yolk sac!"), chances are I'm not going to find your fetus enchanting. And while we're on the subject, don't show me the 5-month sono either. I know you're excited it's a girl and that the heart is "weepingly perfect" as you quoted in your email by way of your astonishingly creepily enthusiastic sonographer (what the frock?) but to me your snap shows nothing more than a dinosaur. Okay, maybe a seahorse.
Also, ahem, unless they are your best pals, your sister, or your mom, especially don't show your sonograms to other moms. We are not interested. Some of us weren't even interested in our own dinosaur.
And then there's that whole gender-exam bit of the sono...To that MM who's having a boy: no, I can't see the penis. I still can't find the head. Oh, here it is. No, sorry, that's the yolk sac! So no, I guess I don't see the penis. And I'm not sure I need to. Strange though it may seem, I really prefer my penises to be fully grown rather than the in-utero sort of mini-prong. I mean, I just prefer to see them in the flesh, as it were. Rather than in a grainy black and white pic. That somehow just seems…a bit…off.
2. MM sends you a mountain of "freshbaby" jpegs one second after she has given birth to it.
Freshbaby, of course being a baby who has not yet been cleaned up post childbirth and who confronts you at 7am in full hi-res meconium-tinted glory, before you have had your first sip of coffee.
3. Once the tot is born, MM spams out bi-weekly links to her kid's Flickr album.
Make that you AND THE PEDIATRICIAN too. Yes. I am not joking. Our MM has her pediatrician on these massmails. One just has to wonder, is she on crack? Pix of your kid for the pediatrician? Lady, it's bad enough for the doc to have to see our tots in the flesh once a year. The monthly photo reminders she might just be able to live without. Adorable though they surely are.
Look, MM, we sympathize. We all have to sit on our hands not to force the whole world to look through our monstrously gigantic photo albums. But we know that even if everyone should want to look at every shot of Supertot, it's still good to at least pretend to respect other people's time and EDIT THE DAMN COLLECTION. Or just do a small sampling of Supertot in jpeg form. And, in that case, there's that handy button in iPhoto that helps you minimize the jpeg size.
As for the note begging us all to hold on "because MORE photos will be downloaded later tonight" – that part I thank you for. I was getting worried. I mean I just couldn't get enough of a close-up gander of tiny XXX on the beige helix slide in that first roll. But, thank God, we have another roll coming later tonight.
MMs everywhere: Please. Put the technology away. I know you have something really special to send me. But your babyspam is crushing my inbox.