Val Day Giveaway! Yay!

*This giveaway is now closed. The winner of the cookies is Wendopolis! Well done, Wendopolis! I will be in touch and your cookies will soon be winging their way to you.*

It's been a schizo week. I was very crabby at first, moving to sweet (I had such fun being Guest Buyer of darling baby things for Etsy); and now it's 100% sweetness, my friends.

The lovely Thea of Gumdrop Cookie Shop is offering a pack of heavenly choco-chip cookies to a lucky Crabmommy reader this Val Day. Gumdrop Cookie Shop, you ask? C'est quoi? (Why, yes, I do take every opportunity to show off the fact that I majored in le francais...since I never have used that language since). What were we talking about? Ah! Cookies. And the Gumdrop Shop.

It's this super-awesome cookie shop online where you can order up all sorts of divine things, from uploading your own images and messages to be placed onto cookies in an edible format, to purchasing this scrumptious range called the Van Gogh: these are yummy sugar cookies that arrive frosted in white, with edible markers so your tots can scribble on them and give them away as treats. Clever, eh?

For the sweet and lovey-dovey season, the store is baking up seriously fancy Valentine's cookies, designed by a student at the Parsons School of Design. As my little one would say, they're de-scrumptious! Check it, y'all:

And for you, dear lucky winning reader we have a yummy bag of chocolate-chip cookies given to you, gratis:
Demz cookies is dang HUGE, peoples, and the bag also includes a sugar cookie with the message of your choice.

So: please visit our gracious sponsor, order up her yummy treats if you can, or else pass her name onto someone with a special occasion coming up. Gumdrop also does swell custom cookies for weddings and such.

And now onto the rules of the giveaway: put your name and a contact in the comments. Please don't post as anonymous. You may choose the "anonymous" option in Blogger's ID field but then pop a contact email in your message! No need to write anything fancy. Just say "want 'em" or "need 'em" or "gimme" or whatever and you will be eligible. At 7 AM PST on Monday morning, Crabkid will randomly select a winner whom I will contact. Got it?

Swagilicious! Girls' winter jacket giveaway

This giveaway is now over! And the winner is..."The West Coast Elkies!" WCE, please be in touch with me and I will get you your swagilicious jacket! YAY!

Chilly yet where you are? Here in Crabcity we feel positively tropical compared with the Wyoming freezover of our erstwhile home in Crabtown, but it's still dang cold. I mean, Pacific NW cold: wet, dark, damp, like living in an armpit for about six months of the year. Except it smells better.

So yes, we are cold and grumpy. But thanks to my swell friends at Lands' End, I can kit out the kid in this delightful Girls' Weatherly Jacket, and so can you if you win this giveaway, you luckymommy!

Nothing is more depressing and potentially traumatizing to all concerned than shoving a tot into a massive puff of a winter jacket. Which is why I dig Lands' End's offering. It's warm, but not bulky, but with a temp rating of +5°/-15° Fahrenheit, it will def keep your tot toasty unless you plan to take them on some super-extreme heli-ski adventure during a deadly cold snap (and if you're one of those intensivo Crabtown athleti-moms, I know you will)!

Back to the jacket, check the pic and the stats:
* Nylon shell with DriOff® finish: water beads up and rolls off
* Exclusive PolarThin® insulation in body and hood for warmth without bulk
* Sherpa Fleece lining for cozy softness
* Slightly fitted waist with adjustable tabs in back
* Microfleece-lined handwarmer pockets behind exterior cargo pockets
* Rip-grip adjustable cuffs

Available in a range of sizes from toddler through to big girl. Also available in various of colors, but of course Crabkid's is...can you guess?...Yes! You're right! BUT HOW DID YOU KNOW?!

So put your name in the hat, ladies, and the kind folks at Lands' End will send the lucky winner a freebie. And if you don't win, don't feel crushed. The jackets are on sale right now at $49.50, here, and after ponying up major bucks for all the Patagonias in my past, I can safely say this this is a score. It's slim and trim but warm and snug, keeping your bug in a rug-like vibe without the padding. Double-yay!

Rules: Put your name in the comments. No need to be fancy or witty with the comment itself though I always appreciate it if you are. No anonymous comments, por favor. Or at least, if you're anon, put an email contact in there for me. I will run this giveaway through...heck...Sunday night, Dec 14! At 10 pm I will rouse Crabkid from her slumber and have her pick a random winner.

p.s. Looking for deeper Crabmommy musings today? Don't be disappointed! They're at the bloglet. In the latest installment of The Momocrite Diaries I talk about judging other moms and how I jis' can't help myself...Come judge me for judging you!

Swagilicious: TEDDE giveaway!

This giveaway is now closed. The winner is Elizabeth Stark. Yay! Elizabeth, I will be contacting you!

Let's give the Mormons and exploding pythons a day of reprieve, shall we? Oh, wait! That's what you're here for? You're a Mormon who wants to give me what-for over my last post, or a gay person who wants to give me some props for my pro-homo work? By all means, go here. the rest of us, however, shall go to a nice weekend giveaway because it's a recession, and free stuff is good stuff, especially when it's good stuff. And hell, we could all use something cuddly right now.

On the subject of cuddly, I've got a teddy for you. I mean, a Tedde. Because the teddy I am talking about comes from Tedde, and these people make alterna-teddies for the modern child. As many of you know, I don't like PRs approaching me with stuff that makes no sense to me or is something my readers wouldn't like, or has anything to do with educational toys. But I do like it when people offer me something I can actually use, or when they offer me something adorable made by human hands.

Now, people, just so you know: I do not require my giveaway sponsors to send me samples of their swag, especially if it is handmade. If it is lovely-looking on the web that tends to suffice for me when it comes to the free stuff. But when these delightful vendors simply INSIST on sending me something, I cannot say I turn away Eric, the mailman, with his package, wondering who Crabmommy is and what the hell I do at my casa.

So I did not decline the sample Tedde that came in the mail for Crabtot. And I want you to know that said sample: he was big and he was ugly and Crabtot adored him instantly and transported him off to a new home she made for him out of a wine box. Ugly in a good way. Because Teddes are sort of the Ugly Doll version of teddies. They are irresistibly not-perfect, with a certain squashy homeliness that can only come from being lovingly handmade. Check out the site, here.

And today, for one lucky reader, we offer a free Tedde, this guy:.Is he not frumpily scrumpacious? Teddes are hand-crafted, sometimes hand-painted, and employ super-sweet techniques like embroidery, hand-stitching, knitting, crocheting and felting … no one Tedde is completely identical to another. Sure, you can get a bear stuffed by a machine, fresh off an assembly line, along with a bunch of others that look exactly like it. Teddes, on the other hand, are intentionally created with individual expressions and personality differences.

So put your name in the comments and Crabkid will randomly select a Tedde winner by Monday 10pm PST. Also, please visit our gracious sponsor and think of these hard-working human hands when it comes to selecting your one-of-a-kind holiday gifts. These craftastic peeps are my idea of recession-fabulous, supporting themselves with their nifty stitching talents. O, come let us adore them! I already do. And might I add that there is also a more conventional-but-still-original ted on their site that will please those of you needing something slightly less wacked out for your tot.

So, the giveaway: No need to be fancy in your comments. Just say that you want in on the Tedde and your name is in the hat. No anonymous comments please (or if you choose to sign is as anonymous, pls leave an email contact).

p.s. please stop by the bloglet for "Crocking Out", an encore of my crock pot love confession. Also next week I will be telling you about the craziest turducken in the global history of turducken, and I will be following that up with an astonishing surprise for all readers of this blog: two words: 80s, photo).

Snowballs! Cashmere! Free vacay in Montana!

Who wants to go to Montana and spend a week frolicking in the snow without paying a dime?

Who wants to bathe in a sea of cashmere?

Rhetorical questions. Which is my I am giving you the following news bulletin from our friends at Lands' End, who have given to the Crabmommy swagilicious backpacks and other assorted delights for your delectation.

Lands’ End is giving readers a chance to win a family get-together for 7 nights for up to 12 people at The Resort at Paws Up in Montana! Entries at www.landsend.com/greatgettogether through noon October 30, 2008. Prizes include:

• Grand Prize: A get together for 7 nights for up to 12 people at The Resort at Paws Up in Montana, which includes round-trip airfare, meals and four half-day wilderness adventures per person and also includes a new waterproof Windfall outerwear package
• Second Prize: Cashmere Great Get Together package with Lands’ End’s high-quality cashmere sweaters and scarves for the family
• Third Prize: Fleece Great Get Together package with cozy fleece jackets and accessories for the family

Now obviously that main prize is heavenly, but me, I almost prefer second prize: cashmere for the whole family! I can already see that family holiday photo with everyone from tots to grandparents decked out in all manner and hue of cashmere from pastel tones of Jordan almond to bolder Lego-toned statements for the men...carefree laughter on everyone's faces as we offer holiday salutations to one and all!!

Seriously, I so wish to bathe my family in cashmere. I am not being remotely ironic. I have often fantasized about living my entire indoor life in a cashmere onesie, with snaps up the front and footie slippers attached. Imagine blogging in that? As opposed, say, to the Crabmommy's standard purple blogging robe.

THAT PRIZE MUST BE MINE!

So how do you win? Go here, enter your details and submit a 300-word essay on your most memorable family get-together, and a photo of the clan yukking it up on vacay.

I am still working on my essay. It's hard for me to remember a truly hands-down Lands-Endy perfecto vacay in which the entire massive clan that is my family cozied up in a fog of goodwill and exemplary behavior all round. Many a memorable vacation do I have in my past, yes, but a lot of them involve combustible scenarios in which sisters fight over bathroom time and my father ends up barking with rage at being surrounded by women. Now, if we were head-to-toe in cashmere it would all be different, wouldn't it? This is the question that may, indeed, become the hook for my essay...

So go here and good luck for the big one but back off my second-place sweaters, k?

Back to School Swag! Free backpack from Lands' End

[And the winner is kellyache: Please contact me at crabmommy[at]gmail[dot]com and claim your prize. Whoo hoo, Kelly!]

Momfriends,

I know the kids have already gone back to school but I'm sure some of you are still letting them lug last year's backpack around, to which I say SHAME ON YOU!

But, take heart, for the lovely people of Lands' End are giving FREE to one winning Crabmommy reader a fantabulous new Multitask Backpack! See it here:
And see it also in blue for boys (or for girls who don't like pink, just as the pink could certainly be for more gayish little boys...Crabmommy DOES NOT STEREOTYPE so feel free, winning entrant, to BE RADICAL and choose AGAINST THE GRAIN):
The Multitask Backpack is indeed one very swanky and swagilicious backpack featuring:

* Stash panel for a jacket, sports gear or bike helmet
* Separate bottom chamber to stow a set of shoes
* 360° reflective trim to keep kids visible
* Mesh side pockets to hold water bottles
* D-ring to clip on extras, like a lunch box
* MP3/CD player pouch for tunes

Yup, people, looks like we have swag again here at Crabmommy and I think that while we may not agree on Sarah Palin and her choice of baby names, we can agree that the odd swagtastic giveaway can only bring us together here at this very blog.

Rules: Put your name in the comments and I will randomly draw a winner on Monday night, 8pm PST or thereabouts, according to my whims. The winner then has 24 hours to contact me and I will post their details to Lands' End who will in turn send out the backpack!

Fancy!

I hope your tykes are enjoying their back-to-school initiation; more to the point, I hope you're enjoying your empty nest and not weeping into your oatmeal like a bunch of wussies.

Friday's Swagilicious with Toto Knits

[And the winner is Stephny. Yay, Stephny! You have 2 days to contact me with your details and I will get your sweater sent to you.]

Chums: I've got a real goodie for you today, from a Toto Knits, an ethically made hand-knitted kiddo sweater enterprise from Kenya, via the lovely Erin Brennan Allen who fled the magazine world of NYC for a more adventurous life in Kenya. In other words she's one of those lassies who says "I want to help disadvantaged children" and actually does something about it, rather than merely bleats about the state of world at large and then orders another mojito.

Check out the gorgeosity for yourselves in these pics. These sweaters are seriously delicious. They are 100% cotton and handmade, and light enough for summer but thick enough to take you through the year. They come in a variety of colors and patterns, from plain to stripes, and there's also a completely adorable safari collection, as well as hats and booties and other sundry delightfulness. So the story behind this one is quite compelling: Erin, a gorgeous blonde American lassie, quits the first world and races off to Nairobi to fund-raise for a school for special-needs tots. There she meets Mary Wambui in 2002. Mary was teaching Arts and Crafts at the school and persuaded Erin to pick up a pair of knitting needles and they become buds.

Then Erin has her tots and gets focused on the importance of helping women find work while nurturing their families. Not so easy in Kenya, where women are often unskilled and marginalized.

After teaming up with Mary, who had raised her three sons single-handedly, Toto Knits was born. With Mary's knitting know-how, Erin's love for all things baby and their years of friendship it was a perfect partnership. Mary now trains and manages a group of twenty knitters (with help from her son Cyrus) while Erin works on the designs and marketing. Check them out: are they all not the sweetest people alive? And do you not want to JUST EAT UP Erin's baby son Tor who models the sweaters (and is therefore the tot pictured above in that darling yellow number)?

Bring him to me. On a roll. With mustard.

These sweaters are very posh and all the chicsters are gobbling them up. But you, our winning entrant, get yours for free, made from Kenya unto you and yours. Custom color and design, fergodssake. A $75 value right there and then free shipping, you lucky lady.

So, moms, put your name in the hat by writing a short and dull or long and sassy comment (each counts equally) and I will select a winner very late on Sunday night/Mon crack o'dawn. Whereupon that winner will have 24 hours to contact me by mail. And if she doesn't I will give her sweater away to someone else. 'Kay? Grand!

And may I suggest, even if you don't win, that you pop over to the Toto Knits site (mtoto means "tot" in Swahili, by the way, for those of you who don't speak Swahili as fluently as I do)...Please pop over to the site and if the sweaters aren't in your budge right now, grab a hat for fifteen bucks and give that to a preg-o friend instead of whatever lame-o thing she has on her registry. She will receive a photo of her knitter and know that she has something one-of-a-kind and that the money paid made a real difference to the life of someone else's tot.

As you can see from this and my blankie giveaway, Africa is a theme close to my otherwise crustaceous heart, 'cuz I am a native of South Africa. I completely dig these sweaters and what Erin and Mary are up to. If any of you out there have an African-made product to offer in a giveaway let me know. I am very similar to Brangelina, promoting Africa selflessly. Okay, promoting a sweater or two, and maybe not so selflessly but ANYHOO.

Put your name in the hat. This one's a goodie.

Swagilicious! MOMSPIT Giveaway

[And the winner is Wynnster. Yay! Congrats! Wynnster, please email me your mailing address in the next 24 hours otherwise I'm gonna give your Momspit away to another mama.]

Why is it every time I post for you guys you're mad at me?

But I feel it. The anger. Half of you are mad to be reading yet another cheap-shot giveaway post as Crabslutty attempts to lure new readers to her now-shallow contentless site. The other half of you are mad because this giveaway is late. Either way, like parenthood itself, one can't win: one is always doing something wrong, especially when one is Crabmommy.

Anyhoo, WHATEVS, people. If y'all can't be happy with me, at least may some of you be hot-damned happy with what I bring to the table today from our old friends over at Momspit. Yes, it's been a long and happy road for the Momspitters, who started a while back with their humble product. They've now shot to fame and are appearing all the heck over the place in print and on TV. But they haven't forgotten their friends at Crabmommy and are giving away to one lucky lass a luscious "Happy Couple" Momspit duo: one 7 oz bottle of Momspit and one 2 oz both trailing a luscious green tea and fig scent after each application to the tot's dirt-smeared visage.

Some of you are saying "Whaaa?" And to you I say the following:

Momspit: it's a universal no-rinse cleanser inspired by the original concept of mom who licks a finger to clean her child's face. It's easy to use, contains no alcohol, mousses brilliantly, moisturizes gently, and absorbs quickly. It's not gel. It's not sanitizer. But it works smashingly and smells like heaven. More precisely, it smells like green tea & fig. And there's also a lemon and white tea scent too. Yummy!

So, mom-vultures, put your name in the hat by writing a short and dull or long and sassy comment (each counts equally) and I will select a winner very late on Monday night/Tues crack o'dawn. Whereupon that winner will have 24 hours to contact me by mail. 'Kay? Grand!

As for Crabmom content, after a pointy week, which included yet another weekend trip to Ikea for NO reason other than the free childcare reprieve, I'll return with something flossier by Tuesday. And over at my bloglet today: dinner as a family. Do we do it? Hell no. Do you?

So...do you want in?

Mem Day Swagiliciousness: Freebie of Note!

[This giveaway is now closed. And the winner is Wren. Wren, please contact me at crabmommy [at] gmail [dot] com for your blankie. Yay!]

Some of you are ticked off with me, yes.

You have come to this site Thursday and Friday, Saturday and Sunday, looking for the promised weekend giveaway. And you have found nothing. You think the Crabmommy is a loser. Or maybe something serious has come to pass to derail her from flinging freebies your way. This is when I give you the excuse. Here it is. I'm so sorry I haven't posted but my child has had a terrible cold and my husband was hungover all weekend. I had my hands full, people. Forgive me.

Except only a weentsy bit of that is true. My husband is ever-so-slightly hungover, as am I and that has absolutely nothing to do with my laxness on this here site. I just sorta didn't quite feel like going online these past few days. That's all. My blogging finger required a weekend off. I never learned to type properly so this writing business has taken quite a toll on my right index finger. It too needs some time to rest occasionally. And it did. I laid* it on a tiny blankie and let it sleep all weekend long.

Speaking of blankies...I offer to a lucky reader a most bloody gorgeous freebie today. This one is also very close to my heart as its maker is a native of Souf-Effrica like me. And also, like me, she lives in the rainy northern and western region of our adopted homeland, the USA. Or as Borat calls it, "U, S, and A."

Chicks, check out these fierce, rip-stop weatherproof and adorable blankies from Rugged Idea:
Okay, so not only are they ridiculously byoo-ti-ful and very much byoo-ti-ful and all, but they rock bad weather conditions in a most utilitarian way. Seattle-based creator Ali discovered she needed a badass blankie like this one when she had her first tot. And this one can and does do everything: it's rain resistant, wind resistant, sun resistant; it's a changing surface, is attachable to anything, is carpet protector, baby protector, picnic blankie; it's machine washable; and uberswanky to boot. In short, a multitasking blankie for the multitasking mommy that you are. Can you say swagtastic? I can.

So....put your name in the comments below. No need to be clever, just tell me you want in. And I will pick a random winner sometime in the next day or two. That winner shall receive the following gorgeous medium-sized blankie in the scheme "Kenya Sunset," which retails at $67:Can you stand how cute this bangie is, to use the favored parlance of Crabtot? For God's sake people, it's got ric-rac on the edges! HOW MUCH DO WE LOVE RIC-RAC? LAWD, I wish Crabtot were still in a stroller so I could have come up with an excuse to make the gals of RuggedIdea give me one of these. But I am too kind and honest. I eschewed the free bangie in favor of giving it up to one of you. I am sort of a bit of a Brangelina in my own way—promoting Africa, selflessly. Or at least, promoting a blanket called "Kenya Sunset." Same difference.

So drop your name in the hat. And while you're about it feel free to spell-check "ric-rac" for me. And for anyone who expects 2 freebies at this site as per last week, blog off! It doesn't get awesomer than this, you spoiled tart.

Might I add that whether you win or lose, these blankies make a swell purchase should you ever find yourself, like Crabmommy, living in freezing/rainy temps and lugging your tot around in a stroller. Might I add that when I last called Maclaren to get a replacement rain-thing for her stroller the Maclaren customer service department were so incredibly frosty and British and snotty to me that I came mightily close to letting the tot get rainsoaked rather than have to endure insufferable crispness and annoyance from the Maclaren-peeps who found me mighty tedious for some reason. Maclaren. Who knew they were British? Very British. All their sales-peeps are Brits and are extremely fond of talking down to one. Really quite odd! I thought I had mistakenly dialed Vogue head office or something. Or that maybe I'd reached the booking agent for Camilla Parker-Bowles, rather than a bunch of tele-sales tosses flogging a stupid bloody rain bonnet. GMAB. Seriously, anyone else ever called Maclaren and received a spot of Brit-snittiness?

Weee-ird.

Okay. Enough. Enter below to win that blankie! Winner to be announced when I bloody well feel like it. And come back too this week for a post about artichokes and pencil sharpeners, to be swiftly followed by another on feminism and children. At the bloglet, sassy inventions and some dirt on this CRAZY-SMART book I am reading called Nation of Wimps, which is all about how we ubermommies are ruining not only our kids but the future of our global economy by hovering over the tots at the playground. Makes sense when you read it. Way-scary, mon.

FREE STUFF: Friday's Schwaggggggilicious!

[And the winner is Jennifer. Now, I know there were several Jennifers in the comments. The winning Jen is the one who said "Shorts?!? Me?? Are you kidding?!? That skirt is too cute for words! I need that kind of waistband to cover my darling's tushie..." That Jennifer, please email me your stats at crabmommy at gmail dot com and I will send you your labels and skirt. Everyone else, stick around if you want to read more musings of a randomommy and crabacious nature to come this week. Or if you are one of those mom-vultures purely trolling for gratis goods, they happen on weekends, 'kay?]

Gals, it's that time of the week. Some of you are still nursing wounds over having missed out on the hedgehog paraphernalia offered in my last giveaway, but never mind; now's your chance to enter once again for 2 utterly delectable freebies proffered on this here site for your delectation and enjoyment.

First, a word from our sponsors.

No, wait. First, a word from me. My week began with a nice round of free daycare at IKEA, then swung into a desultory, lazy almost-summery mode here in Crabcity. Blossoms are dropping off trees, and unfortunately, people are wearing shorts. I have never been a fan of shorts.

There is never really a very good excuse for shorts when one not engaged in sporting activities. For example, there I am, out in the world and I see a beautiful man on the subway, perhaps, and then I see that he is wearing shorts. And fresh spring legs shouldn't really be seen in shorts. Those pale legs. The flossy leg hair. Not really my thing.

Board shorts in Hawaii, maybe. But otherwise, let's leave the shorts to the kids, shall we? And so I ask you: Please join with me in protest by sharing in a NO SHORTS FRIDAY. It's meant to be 90 degrees here and I promise I won't be wearing shorts. Will you stand in solidarity with me? Will you NOT WEAR SHORTS tomorrow?

But skirts. Skirts are a different story. We all like skirts. Especially sweet little skirts for wee lasses.

And, lucky you, I have a peachy skirt-inclusive giveaway for you this week. It consists of 2 items, both of which one lucky winner will receive. The first is too darling for words and comes from JI Skirts. They're sort of boho-fairy-chic layered cotton skirts with felt waistbands, kind of a tutu-meets-tennis-skirt- meets-sprite-in-the-woods look. Okay, if that's impossible to picture, just look at a dang picture, then:
California mom and designer Carla Duharte said when her twin daughters were little they always complained about itchy elastic around the tummy, so Mom devised these skirts without elastic or zippers, just soft felt in a snug band at the waist. And now a lucky Crabmommy winner will receive a custom designed number for her lucky tot. And if you don't win it, ladies, check out the JI Skirts site regardless. Prices range from $35-50, for a supremely fetching one-of-a-kind skirt so screamingly sassy you might need to crack out some greenbacks and just get one already.

Now let's say you buy this skirt and you want to send little Destiny off to camp in it, because little Destiny really wants to learn how to horse-ride and you really want to get rid of little Destiny for a while. That makes you lucky. But what would make you very lucky is a free pack of off-to-camp clothing labels, perfectly designed so that Destiny''s new skirt will not go missing. Enter our second vendor, Mabel's Labels. These gals are very dang smart because not only do they flog excellent iron-in labels, but they also have these ingenious stick-on labels called Tag-Mates that you can simply stick onto your kiddo's clothes when you shove her off to camp.

Now, as you all know, while Crabmommy often dreams of such things as camp and preschool boarding school, Crabtot isn't at camp-going age yet. Mind you, I got mighty tired of using a Sharpie on Crabtot's water bottle and lunch box last year during preschool (only for it to wash off in the dishwasher). Enter Mabel's most excellent famous sticky labels! They withstand the dishwasher, microwave, and last yonks and yonks. And now I am not going to lie to you: while I do not request free samples from the people whose stuff I use in my giveaways, I don't exactly refuse delivery when they insist on flogging me with their wares. Thus must I come clean: I got my hot little paws on Mabel's Labels and dang it do they ever stick. I can't testify to years of stickiness yet but they look promising. And they are cute. And you can pick colors and a cute little icon to go with the name.

It should be noted that Mabel has labels for basically everything under the sun. If you've got something that needs naming, Mabel will stick it to you.

And thus concludes the promotional part of today's proceedings. Enter by adding a "Me! Me!" or something similarly vacuous into the comments below by Monday noon or thereabouts, PST, or sooner, or later, depending on how I feel. I will select one name randomly and that winner will then have 5 days to contact me and claim her prize. Don't be slack, winner. If you don't get to me, I will give it away.

So that's one person who gets both A custom JI Skirt and a combo pack of Mabels Labels perfect for camp or school. The label pack consists of 15 Sticky Labels, 40 Iron-Ons or 50 Tag-Mates (your choice), 8 Shoe Labels and 2 Bag Tags. Heck, with all those labels, who gives a rip whether the kid enjoys her camp time or not? At least she won't lose her JI Skirt. And that's what counts right here, right now, at Crabmommy.

Have at it. And once again, please remember that anyone can enter, from any country. Unless you are wearing shorts. Or are a Mormon. And especially if you are a Mormon in shorts. If you are wearing shorts while typing your name into the comments, I will be able to tell. So don't chance it.

Swagilicious! FREE STUFF

[And the winner of the giveaway is Rachel. Rachel who had an African hedgehog named Sonic and who didn't think she'd ever win anything, lady, you just won! Email me at crabmommy at gmail dot com and I will fwd your address to the sellers so they can ship your goods to you. Well done! And to the rest of you, Thursday sees more swag]

So there's been all kinds of crazy going on in the comments over at my Cookiemag bloglet. I thank all of you who came so readily to my defense and told the ticked-off poster that just because I beat my child with a stick and smoke crack all day does not mean I'm not a good person and a great mom.

Some people really are so quick to judge. (Judge? Who does that? No one in this room, I'll tell ya.)

So: reward time. From today through end of Sunday I will be taking names in the hat for some sweet prizes. For those of you who saw my hedgehog series over at my friend Gabfab's,* the vendors of that sweet homemade, original, one-of-a-kind loveliness have ponied up some freebies for your delectation.

Rules: Comment on this post (a simple, "ME! ME!" will do, as I am too worn out to pose any intriguing questions) and the randomly picked winner shall receive the all three of the following lovely loot:

1. a pair of custom-made craftastic hedgehog booties courtesy of mayaeliseboutique. Now if you don't love these you're need medication:(The winner gets to pick color too and even a different fabric if preferred! Score!)
2. a pair of hedgehog ponytail holders too divine for speech from cutecumber: If you don't love these then for God's sake, get yourself checked up):
3. This isn't hedgie-themed but is equally scrumptious: Jules Goldin offers you, our winner, a custom Smushies blankie for your weeny one to snuggle with. These are just divine. They almost make we want another baby. Almost, but not quite. And even if you don't win a Smushie, check out Jules's shop for her fantastic deals. If that's not thriftiness, utility, and beauty combined then by all means slag me off in public.

THREE FREE ETSYLICIOUS ITEMS!

This is so swagilicious I almost can't stand it. Entries taken until 10pm, PST, on Sunday night. Or sooner. Or later. Depending on how organized I am and how my mood is on that day. Anyone can enter. Even Mormons. Or those who live in a third-world country (like my native country of South Africa. Hi, SA'ns!). We don't discriminate here at Crabmommy. At least not on the weekends.

As for forthcoming posts, I will muse on feminists in preschool, washing children's mouths out with soap, the sheer impossibility of finding a bath duck that actually floats, abs (or more specifically, a lack thereof), smack, crack, whack, flak, that sort of thing. (No, I don't know what I'm talking about. Why do you ask?) The point is that I aim to post more, and in a frequently peppery tone. Wholesome goodness here at Crabmommy. And if you missed Randomommy #3, owing to the perverse speediness of my new posting habits, please scroll down if you wish to engage in utterly insubstantial musings: Hemp brownie mix awaits (on the shelves of my local grocery store).

Hedgehogs and Hamsters

I'm not a big animal lover. I have written before about this. That doesn't mean, however, that I am immune to the sweet charms of the occasional if fleeting scrumptiousness that the animal kingdom offers. That is why I have chosen to write about hedgehogs today: as a guest poster on DesignMom. Whaaa? you say. Crabmommy is talking about animals and giving design tips? This from a dog-dissing lady who recently lived in a prefabricated house (and not the Dwell magazine kind)?

Yes. But. Here's my disclaimer to those of you who think I'm going all chic on you. All designy on you. All craftastic on you. All corporate on you. I'm not.

Okay, I am.

Because the future of Crabmommy depends on hocking more than just my mommy complaints and grammar tips (but I'm glad so many of you appeared to enjoy the first installment of Grammarmama). In order to preserve my sanity and earn a few shekels over at the bloglet, I have started widening my beady eye to include the occasional posts on nifty products, such as paper Russian dolls and cherry blossom detangling hair mousse for curly tots. But here's the thang (and no, I don't know why I used "thang" instead of "thing"): nobody has asked me to review the cute things I put forward. They are entirely my own finds. In addition, I strive to keep my coolio picks verrrry cheap and/or in some way ethically harvested. No, I don't either quite know what I mean. But I suspect it will all soon become clear...Anyhoo, back to cheap. Cheapmommy seeks the good appealing designed objets for the modest budget. And for the most part, I succeed. So when I find adorable handcrafted hedgehog-print baby booties, you can be sure the bootie-maker hasn't pushed them booties onto me for a fee. 'kay?

Last, I want to say that while Crabtot's room doesn't contain any of the cuteness I have hitherto written about (too lazy to order, too cheap even for the cheap stuff), I live in a conceptual bedroom of cuteness for her. Meaning, it exists in my mind's eye. And if I can draw your attention to some sassy muffin of a vintage-print pillow for a few measly bucks, then hot damn I will! NOW, THANK ME FOR IT!

Disclaimer over. Do go and see some swell stuff in my hedgehog-related post. Great cheap, original, homemade baby shower presents that entirely defect from someone's registry and show you to be the independent thinker you are.

In other news, my next post will be of a Randomommy nature. Stay tuned. I will also soon be speeding up the postage (okay, wrong word but I like it) on this here personal blog. Crabtot will soon be back at school after our arduous move to Crabcity, and when she goes I will blog my blogging finger off on this here site. There will also be more giveaways. But they will not last all dang week long. And they will involve cool one-of-a-kind sassy lovely freebies for your delectation. And then probably, sprinkled into the mix, some corporate stuff foisted upon me by PRs. I hope. because I am a momocrite. So PRs, if you are listening, take heart! I am still here for you. I want your swag. We all do.

I close out today's post with something I never in my most outrageous whacked out notions thought I'd see coming from me: a link to a video involving animal cuteness. But watch it. You must see this baby hamster eating broccoli. It's so cuuuuute I can barely stand it! Watch through to the end; there is this business in the middle where the hamster rotates its tiny feet and you almost want to eat it. On a roll with mustard. Or at the very least, you want to squish it with love!

Okay, so here is hamster eating broccoli.

Oh, no! I just watched it again! It slays me with sweetness. And that tinny music is just too delectable. I am in a state of virtual catatonia from the sheer adorability of this animal. But no, I don't want one. No animals in this house. I have told Crabtot when she is four she may select a fish. That is all.

Thanks Tamara for the link.

Lame Parenting Advice: We Have a Winner!

A hearty thanks to all those who entered the swimsuit competition, sharing your lame parenting advice nuggets with me. Competition was seriously stiff; it's amazing how much utter nonsense we moms are told when we produce spawn: from the bottle mom receiving "breast is best" (Jennifer!) to being told to avoid rounded car seats (Hi, Marina), to being given books that include bits on how to avoid raising a gay son (Bklynmom!). Of course having your crunchy mom-friend suggest a placenta-cake for family noshing is always a sensible tip for the new mama to to take home from the hospital (Hi, Mommyknows!).

Indeedy, I had a good chuckle reading the entries and truly think we should compile a book of these, to give out to family members and friends when people have babies; i.e., Moms' Advice on Bad Advice – a cautionary guide to help those unhelpful ones around us refrain from helping us altogether.

Before I announce the winner, here, for your delectation, is a recap from your comments, a selection of the lamest, most ridiculous advice given to you mamas:

Got to love a lady who tells you colicky crying is just exercise! Nice one, Meg! And Lina, to be told by hookers that your kid needs to cover up! Too much!! Indeed, so many of us have been told to cover up our cold babies. But to be stopped in the grocery and told never to let a kid near the cold stuff without a hat—that's pushing it. Competition got really tight with the next three that I'm going to mention: Pennryoo was advised never to eat in front of a male child unless he's eating too. Too weird for speech! Elizabeth's kindly aunt suggested she tape her baby's ears back every night to flatten them out! Good idea! And then there is Samantha, who was told "a crabby mommy makes a crabby baby." For obvious reasons, this one stuck in my mind; except, Samantha, I thinks she's right. In my case at least. ☺ So that disqualifies you from the jackpot prize which MUST be awarded for the top tidbit of entirely lame-o advice.

Speaking of, while competition was close, one entry still stands out in my mind's eye:
buttrflyty, who shares with us, compliments of her grandma the following:

Women shouldn't hold infants while menstruating because it will give them colic.

Right on, Grams!

So, buttrflyty, email me me your deets at crabmommy at gmail dot com and you shall receive a $100 gift card from Land's End. Everyone else, well done and tune in for the next freebie opportunity.

And for those of you sick to death of my comps right now, yes I know. You want some content here. It returns tomorrow, with installment number 2 of Randomommy, swiftly followed by Grammarmama and an assortment of tidbits that shall not include any hocking, pimping, or otherwise courting the cyber-populace with swag. Not for a few weeks at least.

All this unsolicited advice inspired me to write about a nasty chick who decided to tell me how to mom Crabtot in a restaurant recently. For more, please go to the bloglet for When Parents Attack!

FREE STUFF: Swagilicious Designer Swimwear Giveaway from Land's End

It's that time of the year. When you have to get a swimsuit. And showcase those wibbly bums, swinging underarms, and jibbly mom-tummies to the world.

Ah, summer in a swimsuit! Not so easy for the postpartumites among us. Or those of us who like to use spawning offspring as an excuse for getting zero exercise.

Thankfully a flattering swimsuit can do serious damage control, and ladies, I have 'em for you, right here. Land's End is offering $100 in the form of a swaggy gift card, exclusively available from Crabmommy. Yes, there are those of you who, it seems, feel that my Dollar Store prizes just aren't cutting it. And there are also many of you out there in blogspace who troll blogs for the free and swagilicious treats that may be offered therein. And so I welcome you, one and all, mommy vultures seeking free stuff, and loyal readers who might be a tad tired of my cheapmommy offerings.

Back to swimming, I think many of us feel we don't have quite the mombod we'd like to have. Me, I have a mom-flap. I also call it my blog-flap. But Land's End can help. Because they're making these quite fab sucky-inny sexy fat-smooshing suits that make a jigglebod look quite svelte. For example, you've got your: Slenderizer Swimsuits. "Built with a revolutionary fabric with slimming power, these suits can slim a silhouette in seconds. The suits range from tankinis and one-piece tanks to skirted styles and halters with all-over slimming power." Cool beans!

Crabmommy best likes Isola: "Inspired by the elegance of Venice, these suits bring fashion from the runways to the beach with designer touches such as ruching, silver hardware, side piping and emphasized necklines." Basically what you're talking about here is suities that make you look all retro-glam as though you're about to push off to Positano for the summer on your yacht. There's one that makes me think of Monica Vitti in L'Avventura. Or if your hubby doesn't make you watch posh old Italian films, then think Gwynnie in the Talented Mr. Ripley.

So the point is, if you're feeling chunky, or even if you 'aint (whoever you are, we hate you), Land's End will give you a spot of bodacious glamor if you win this giveaway. And if you don't like anything in the catalogue, you can sign up for a Custom Suit from these good peeps, where you pick fabric, cut, color etc.

Can anyone say "ridiculously swagtastic!"?

Now we get to the tricky part. You want your $100 gift card. But I want something too. I want, and need, your good comments. And so I'm going to ask you to hotclick it over to the bloglet, read my piece on lame parenting advice, and come back to me with an answer to the question posed at the end. Post your answer either in my comments here on this post, or else at the Cookie bloglet page and I will check both. The best answer wins. What's this? you say. I have to work for my gift card? You bet your booty. Peeps, you want free gear, you have to quid pro quo me. We all do shameful things for money. Some of us turn tricks. Some of us make people comment on our blogs. Some of us troll the internet all day looking for free stuff. It's all good!!

So check out the post, give me your funniest/silliest/lamest answer, and I will put you in line to win the Land's End $100 prize. The competition closes one week from today. Got it?

$100 of swimsuit sassiness from Land's End. With your name on it.

Yay! (And if anyone can tell me how to stop Blogger from formatting my posts with this mysterious single-and double-spaced-in-combination nonsense, hey, your name's in the running too.)

FREE STUFF! Schwagilicious

Yes. If you are Alexis, you get the free Dollar Store pregnancy test I so generously offered here for my last Dollar Store Giveaway. Congrats, Alexis!

Speaking of Dollar Stores, I just heard about the 99c cookbook.
However, I don't think the recipe book itself costs 99c and therefore I unfortunately cannot offer it as a prize in my next Dollar Store Giveaway.

The real question is, does this cookbook utilize my favorite find at the Crabtown Dollar Store, mango-flavored pineapple strips? One can only hope.

On the subject of Giveaways and Free Stuff I am pleased to announce for all your mommy vultures out there in search of freebies (and there are a surprisingly large number of you lot out there in cyberspace, oh yes indeedy), the PRs have responded to my demands for schwagiliciousness here at Crabmom. And you will be glad to know that we will soon be giving away quite a few high-end goodies for your totlets and momselves. So please, those of you for whom Dollar Store prizes aren't quite cutting it, pretend you like me, and come back for the schwwwwag. If you bookmark, it will come.

Last, rounding off the freebie theme, do visit the bloglet today and find out about free downloadable paper cuteness, and unbearably cute $3 paper Russian nesting dolls so adorable I almost want to eat them or pinch them or murder them with love.

And if I ate paper nesting dolls, that would turn me into a nesting doll too, now, wouldn't it?

Food for thought.

p.s. Stay tuned for new mini-series to debut here at Crabmommy as soon as I can pull myself together, hook up my wireless router, and stop blogging on the floor next to the cable socket, which is most unpleasant...When all is wired up and unwired and so forth here at Crabmommy in the Crabcity abode, you will see the launch of Grammarmama. Because for those of you who don't know, I once taught grammar courses entitled "Dude Where's My Comma?" And since so many of us have poorer grammar than our tots I thought myself uniquely qualified as both a grammar teacher and a mom to point you in the right direction. With my Grammarmama tips, designed specifically for the grammatically-challenged parent, you too will learn how to speak and write a little better than your kids. I hope. All syntax tips and punctuation examples will be themed to parenthood, and will incorporate words such as "spank" and "time out" and "bloody thankless job." Fun with words! Right here. I promise.

My Random Observations series will also return. Random Observations consists of musings from the household, incorporating such topics as the bounciness of bread containing flax. Forthcoming ruminations on homemaker trivia will include the blinding array of cracker brands at supermarkets. Back by popular demand, Random Observations will be renamed more succinctly, viz. Randomommy. Look out for it. And feel free to send me your own randomommy observations from the jungles of domesticity for the chance to GUEST-POST on Crabmom. Ooooooh!
crabmommy at gmail dot com

"Trista Baby" Diaper Bags: Something Smelly This Way Comes

Yes, I swore I'd never write about celebrities on my blog.
So I'm not.

I'm going to write about shalebritays. (The desired pronunciation is that of Sascha Baron Cohen persona Bruno, the German fashionista. Make that Cherman fashionisto... Anyone ever see Bruno? I think he's making a movie about Bruno...I just know the hilarious Ali G. sketch.)

So, since I must report on all things newsworthy in the world of mothering: shalebritay Trista Sutter. Does anyone remember her? How could we not? Even those of us without televisions knew a bobblehead bobble-boobed bachelorette had married some big bonehead Ken doll on television and received a lot of money for it.

Now they are "happily married," have a bouncing baby boy, and Mom's pimping out a new line of diaper bags that cost $145 apiece. Me, I think something smells a tad funky round them thar parts.

Why am I speaking in dialect?

Haven't a clue.

What was the point of this post, exactly? I don't know. I'm bored with it already. Mocking shalebritays is truly shooting fish in a barrel, innit?

Okay, so here's something very much more profound: My Dollar Store Giveaways! You who feel brave and have not yet put your name in the hat for the Dollar Store Pregnancy Test Prize Drawing, please do! I've got a preg-o test for one lucky winner. Indeed, while I have just moved both north and west, I still found time to purchase a pregnancy test from the Dollar Store of Crabtown. And your name is on it.

Because when you need to know if you're in the pink...a Dollar Store pregnancy test may help you find out. Then again, maybe it won't.

Seriously I get a kick out of the notion of buying dollar-store prego tests...even though some of you have told me they're dead accurate. Sign your name in below, gals! The competition will close at midnight three days henceforth.

On A Lighter Note: Or, Let's Get Back to Dollar Store Giveaways

I feel I've been getting heavy on this here blog. And maybe it's time for a lighter flow...or none at all. Stay with me. I'm talking about my beloved Christian-owned Dollar Store of Crabtown. Where, as some of you remember, I have walked in search of prizes for my Dollar Store Competitions.

Crabtown's Dollar Store yields an intoxicating mix of Chinese-made product off-gassing and such mystifyingly beautiful treasures as mango-flavored pineapple strips and Crucifixion stickers.

And today, at checkout, I saw the best DS product yet: a no-name pregnancy test.

And so I put it to the floor: are you brave enough to try it? How long has it been on the shelf? Ask and ye shall receive...from me...your very own Dollar Store pregnancy test. Because when you really want to know the answer, you might just get one from a cheapo prego test.

Then again, you might not.

So, who's in? Put your comment in the hat and you too might be the proud owner of a DS prego test!

p.s. If you are more inclined to the higher end, stop by my bloglet for products of egg-shaped loveliness in celebration of Eastertide.

PR's, Where's My Schwag?

I'm well over my 100th post here at Crabmommy and I have scored exactly two tubes of lip balm for my efforts.

Yes, I have also earned myself a nice gig over at Cookiemag, which frankly was my goal right from the get-go. Because while I like to pretend that I have a blog in order to commune with motherhood at large, it is a sad and ugly fact that the Crabmommy also must make at least a few shekels from her writing in order to validate the fact that her father sent her to a very expensive writing school and her husband grinds himself into the dust to provide her with the opportunity and Macintosh hardware necessary to carp about momming, as well as the giant block of crack cocaine I need to pick me up after a hard week's labor as a mother. In short, two tubes of lip balm just isn't cutting it. PRs, you know who you are. You come and see me. You love me. But also, you talk hogwash. Which is pretty much your job, I know. But I want you to de-lurk now and start making good on those promises. Come out and give me my goodie bag. And make it huge.

Truly do I appreciate blogging and it is utterly swell to write twaddle about Crabtot and find kind listeners ready to humor my every passing thought --whether it be a notion about Mormons and Mountain Dew or the sexual orientaton of Madeline's Miss Clavel -- and stupid deed, such as taking my tot swimming in sewage. But there comes a time when appreciation needs to come in a colder, harder form. There comes a time when Google AdSense's hefty $5/mo. check just isn't enough. And while I am thrilled to be a part of BlogHer, which is superfantabulous, even those swell gals can't give me giant vats of delightful products.

And so, when one has two blogs to write and many bills to pay, one might get a tad excited by those PR's that come swarming, offering their freebies, waving tubes of lip balm in one's face and saying, "Crabmommy we adore you. Please test this product on your chapped and crabby lips."

But no matter how good the Become Beauty lip balm -- and people, it was good -- it doesn't feel sufficient recompense for the past year of grind. And I confess to being utterly dashed by those marketingpeeps who have come to me bearing praise, promises, and postage-stamp-sized samples of beauty products. The lip balm, it was luscious. And I was fortunate enough to have one prizewinner forget to claim her score, hence I became the proud owner of two lip balms. But PRpeeps, there has been a too-long silence from you and frankly I am ticked. I have good traffic, but a bad wardrobe. I carry my wallet in a plastic bag. As for the wee mite, for Christmas Crabtot received a vintage plastic doll with the word "Liège, Belgium" printed across its acrylic dress, purchased for exactly one dollar (okay, it's because I forgot about Xmas until day before, and we were in a minute South African town sporting little in the way of retail opportunities but anyway).

Yes, Crabtot could use some Haba puzzles or TEA kimonos. She could use a cuckoo clock from Switzerland. Some Hannah Andressen tights. In short, we could both use some glamor and I need you to provide it. I know, I know, one would think as a Cookieblogger that I might be given great big wodges of goodiebags, replete with swanky mommy makeup, $75 cashmere loveys for Crabtot, and oh, I don't know, maybe even a David Netto toddler bed for $2000 or one of those cool Nordic sleds they're gabbing on @Cookie that no doubt costs more than my air-ticket to South Africa, not to mention the rent on my decidedly un-Cookielike prefabricated dwelling! But sadly, Conde Nasty hasn't sent me that plump monthly shipment you might expect. And while I adore working for these people and I love my blogjoblet, I need to get me some stuff. I need to be schwagmommy. I think I've earned it.

Look, I'm not greedy. And it is against my various contracts to accept ginormous loads of schwag. But a little bit more schwag, this I think is reasonably fair. So, PRs, since I absolutely know you are out there, listen up. I have dreadful cracked footsoles. I wear an ancient purple robe to blog in. My hair is the dull color of ticks. My skin is like so many raisins. Show me the products.

More posts this week at the bloglet. I'm carping about the phrase "we are pregnant"; I'm celebrating the fact that Crabtot thinks she can swim; and I am starting monthly momoscopes -- in which, Astromommy that I am, I forecast your monthly escapades with your offspring. It's not going to be pretty, but at last you can be forewarned.

Dollar Store Flowerpot Sculpture, R.I.P.

Chums,

You're waiting with bated breath to hear reports of Crabtot's third birthday party this past weekend. But I'm still recovering and hence can't quite bring myself to post yet. Maybe by the time she turns four. Actually, in truth it all went rather well. And as you know, I don't like to post about the rare good times one has a parent. It just 'aint good reading!

However, I can and must post about what happened to the Dollar store prize from the now-famous Dollar store contest we held here at Crabmommy. Remember the prize? It was won by Char who submitted the marvelous power tie that cinched her spot at #1. It was patterned in the manner of the American flag and had musical powers too.

Char won a most attractive sculpture that I found at my local DS (the one that sells crucifixion stickers and dried fruit labeled "mango-flavored pineapple"). The sculpture had the following attributes:

1. it was shaped rather like a piggy bank but had no coin slot
2. it depicted a smiling flower sporting either a bar of soap or what might be a sign saying "H20." Hard to tell. That's the beauty of it.
3. It was very, very ugly.
4. Note the use of the past tense. It is explained below:

This is no lie: I went to wrap the sculpture last week to send it to Char and dropped it. By accident. I repeat: I am not lying to you. It broke. So I immediately wrote to Char and told her that, perhaps, she was in luck, for her prize in fact broke before it ever reached her mantelpiece. Luckily I photographed it before it died. So Char, if you still want it, I can likely find a replacement.

Here's the original, at long last! People, you have been clamoring for it. Feast your eyes:
The question of the day: is that a bar of soap, or a sign begging for water?

Char, I am truly sorry I destroyed this. If you want, I can find you another—that is, if they haven't already been bought up by Crabtown's discerning residents. Or as an alternative first prize, you can win the right to NOT have one of these mailed to you by Crabmommy.

Haiku for a Weird Flowerpot

Sculpture, R.I.P.
We loved you so and did not
Mean to let you go

And this concludes our Dollar store-related posts. It was fun. But I think we're all a little relieved that it is finished.

Oh, and today at the bloglet, I'm mocking Dr. Sears.

Schwag...and the World's Largest Crab

Prepare to be terrified.

No, this is not Crabmommy visiting her Crabcorner neighbor in his summer sleep-shack across the street. It's called a Coconut Crab.Eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!!!

MOVING ON

The winners of the September "Become Beauty" lipsmackable sweeps were randomly selected by the Coconut Crab above, and are as follows:
elisa
marina12
mommyknows
al of A&a
lizb
esther
neisha
stephanie
char

Lassies, please email me your snail mail addresses, to crabmommyatgmaildotcom (I'm not spelling it out so as to confuse the spam robots), and ye shall receive your booty!

AND NOT LEAST

The winner of the Dollar Store giveaway, after much debate, is Char, who sent me this American flag MUSICAL tie, which apparently lights up as well:

There were many fine entries. Competition was tough. Thank you for sending me your descrips of dollar store wedding veils, white crocs, saucy spike-heeled neon cocktail stirrers, diamante wedding rings. But some of these were a little too close to my own taste to be true contenders for the prize. Plus, Char sent me a jpeg and friends, that just cinched it. The runner up is Amy, who wrote about her DS carrying a laxative called IPLODE. The name, together with the fact that IPLODE is carried at a DS (I mean WHO would entrust their bowels to a DS?) renders IPLODE deserving of honorable mention. Amy, the runner-up's prize is the fact that you DO NOT have to receive a DS prize in the mail from me. Yay! Well done!

ON THE OTHER HAND, POOR CHAR

Char, if you send me your snail mail you will receive a most fabulous prize that I purchased yesterday. It is a beautiful sculpture of a flower holding a sign. The sign looks like it says "H2O" but one can't be sure because the paint job is off. The sculpture is shaped like some sort of modified piggy bank, but there is no slot. In short, it is a hideous and useless and confusing sculpture...which equals a true Crabmommy Dollar Store Find.

Char, you also get a second prize. Because you have to receive this treasure (and hopefully display it on your mantelpiece!) you were also not-so-randomly selected by the Coconut Crab's ample pincer to win lip balm too. He thought it fair, under the circumstances. Plus, we didn't think you'd send us your address otherwise.

Well done to all who entered! A rip-roaring success all around, because YOU are silly people and I ADORE you for it!

Sept Schwag and a Crabmom's New Shag

By "shag" I mean shag haircut, you dirty-minded people.

MEANING

I have, at long last, found a good and still cheap hairstylist. This is a big deal in a town where everyone wants to give you a haircut I used to call The Mormon Flip, back when I thought making fun of Mormons was cool, but I don't anymore. (And I have thrown out ALL my John Krakauer books, okay?) Right. So, the cut that I used to call The Mormon Flip. A very sort of Idaho/Wyoming/Utah look (Think of these states as a sort of Mormon Bible Belt... perhaps better known as the Belt Buckle of the Angel Moroni) OKAY, STOP IT, CRABMOMMY.

SO

Back to The Look. I have been forced into this look since moving here because that is just the default hairstyle whenever you ask for something funky/ chunky/punky/ layered/interesting. I hate having volume or body of any kind off my head-crown. But boy did I ever receive body when I came here. That, along with dreadful face-framing soft swishy layered bits circa That-Jennifer-Aniston-hairstyle era. And then there was a little pert flip-uppy-thingy at the bottom. Now, how is a pert flip-up punky? you might well ask. I do not know. I do know that I sported this style. And I hated myself for it.

BUT

That is in the past!!! Finally a good haircut! It happened here, today, and on this head! I have found a guy who does it right, people! No more Pert Mommy Hairstyles for me. I told him no cute, no chic, no elegant. I told him to make me look like a Japanese cartoon character and by golly, he did! Two thumbs up for my new, flat, shagged, jagged little head.

ALSO

Speaking about hair, I have a post up about hair on the bloglet (a continued rumination on the curly vs. straight hair science entanglement experiments that I reported on last week). And while you're there, enter their kid style competition and win shopping sprees, camcorders and trips to NYC. Darnit, on account of working for Cookie, I can't enter their contests, which is a shame, as they are always utterly schwagilicious....

MIND YOU

Speaking of schwagilicious, I have in fact my very own schwaggy contests happening right here on Crabmommy, as you well know. But tomorrow is the last possible day that you can enter either of the September contests, those being the Dollar store contest and the lip balm sweeps! Put your name down. Winners will be selected on Wednesday, so get your act together if you haven't already, honestly, what are you people doing with your time?