Monday, January 7, 2008

PR's, Where's My Schwag?

I'm well over my 100th post here at Crabmommy and I have scored exactly two tubes of lip balm for my efforts.

Yes, I have also earned myself a nice gig over at Cookiemag, which frankly was my goal right from the get-go. Because while I like to pretend that I have a blog in order to commune with motherhood at large, it is a sad and ugly fact that the Crabmommy also must make at least a few shekels from her writing in order to validate the fact that her father sent her to a very expensive writing school and her husband grinds himself into the dust to provide her with the opportunity and Macintosh hardware necessary to carp about momming, as well as the giant block of crack cocaine I need to pick me up after a hard week's labor as a mother. In short, two tubes of lip balm just isn't cutting it. PRs, you know who you are. You come and see me. You love me. But also, you talk hogwash. Which is pretty much your job, I know. But I want you to de-lurk now and start making good on those promises. Come out and give me my goodie bag. And make it huge.

Truly do I appreciate blogging and it is utterly swell to write twaddle about Crabtot and find kind listeners ready to humor my every passing thought --whether it be a notion about Mormons and Mountain Dew or the sexual orientaton of Madeline's Miss Clavel -- and stupid deed, such as taking my tot swimming in sewage. But there comes a time when appreciation needs to come in a colder, harder form. There comes a time when Google AdSense's hefty $5/mo. check just isn't enough. And while I am thrilled to be a part of BlogHer, which is superfantabulous, even those swell gals can't give me giant vats of delightful products.

And so, when one has two blogs to write and many bills to pay, one might get a tad excited by those PR's that come swarming, offering their freebies, waving tubes of lip balm in one's face and saying, "Crabmommy we adore you. Please test this product on your chapped and crabby lips."

But no matter how good the Become Beauty lip balm -- and people, it was good -- it doesn't feel sufficient recompense for the past year of grind. And I confess to being utterly dashed by those marketingpeeps who have come to me bearing praise, promises, and postage-stamp-sized samples of beauty products. The lip balm, it was luscious. And I was fortunate enough to have one prizewinner forget to claim her score, hence I became the proud owner of two lip balms. But PRpeeps, there has been a too-long silence from you and frankly I am ticked. I have good traffic, but a bad wardrobe. I carry my wallet in a plastic bag. As for the wee mite, for Christmas Crabtot received a vintage plastic doll with the word "Li├Ęge, Belgium" printed across its acrylic dress, purchased for exactly one dollar (okay, it's because I forgot about Xmas until day before, and we were in a minute South African town sporting little in the way of retail opportunities but anyway).

Yes, Crabtot could use some Haba puzzles or TEA kimonos. She could use a cuckoo clock from Switzerland. Some Hannah Andressen tights. In short, we could both use some glamor and I need you to provide it. I know, I know, one would think as a Cookieblogger that I might be given great big wodges of goodiebags, replete with swanky mommy makeup, $75 cashmere loveys for Crabtot, and oh, I don't know, maybe even a David Netto toddler bed for $2000 or one of those cool Nordic sleds they're gabbing on @Cookie that no doubt costs more than my air-ticket to South Africa, not to mention the rent on my decidedly un-Cookielike prefabricated dwelling! But sadly, Conde Nasty hasn't sent me that plump monthly shipment you might expect. And while I adore working for these people and I love my blogjoblet, I need to get me some stuff. I need to be schwagmommy. I think I've earned it.

Look, I'm not greedy. And it is against my various contracts to accept ginormous loads of schwag. But a little bit more schwag, this I think is reasonably fair. So, PRs, since I absolutely know you are out there, listen up. I have dreadful cracked footsoles. I wear an ancient purple robe to blog in. My hair is the dull color of ticks. My skin is like so many raisins. Show me the products.

More posts this week at the bloglet. I'm carping about the phrase "we are pregnant"; I'm celebrating the fact that Crabtot thinks she can swim; and I am starting monthly momoscopes -- in which, Astromommy that I am, I forecast your monthly escapades with your offspring. It's not going to be pretty, but at last you can be forewarned.


suchsimplepleasures said...

i'm stopping by to tell you that, i'm putting you on my that i come back again...otherwise, brain rot has set in and...i'll forget :( that would be bad...bad, i tell you!!

South African Scenic Beauty said...

whats shwag??? said...

DUDE! You're using my fricken' lip balm? I thought you would bring it to me at blohHer in SFO. *sheesh*

I can provide you with schwag? Email me the crabtots details and I'll pop it in the mail.

MK xo

Crabmommy said...

sabeauty: schwag--more commonly spelled as "swag" but also called "schwag and "shwag" --refers to the stuff celebs and other VIPs get for free as part of their jobs. i.e., goodie bags of diamonds for katie holmes and free sunglasses for Tom as well as a small vat of beluga caviar and some ipods the size of after-dinner mints...all waiting for them on their Oscar seat. The terms is an acronym and stands for "Stuff We All Get." But as a momblogger I feel I should be getting more momstuff. And I isn't. So I is cross.

But MK, yes, let's do our cross-promo thing. You of all people do not deserve to give anyone anything for nothing, since you are the most generous mommyblogger in th universe, what with all your giveaways...Will be in touch on that.

And PR's, seriously, give up the foot lotions and Crabtot fashions. You know you want to.

Leann I Am said...

I agree...Crabmommy deserves more swag! (Would it be improper to suggest that LEANNIAM could use a little as well?) You're two lip balms ahead of me as far as the stuff goes!

If you figure out how to bring it in, please share K?


ExMi said...

hi your blog!
so sick of reading about those parents who call their children their 'little treasures'and about how fun and rewarding and easy parenting is.

I've recently become a mommy - sleep deprived, crabby, crazy - and started a new blog "The Bad Mommy Blog" ( and am looking for occasional guest contributors. Would love it if you were interested.....:)
email me at

Mandy- Read. Write. Mom! said...

If anyone ever deserved some schwag, it's you Crabmommy. This woman tells it like it is! She's my hero...and she desrves some new stuff.

(I do hope that helps)

crabmommy said...

Thanks, mommycracked! And glad to make your acquaintance, cheapthrills. when I get more schwag I will start guest-blogging more...will be in touch.

Leann I Am said...

Okay, it's not 'schwag', but you've been given an award.

Check my blog for details!

Anonymous said...

How long does one need to blog before one can expect even a small amount of shwag, like lip balm? Maybe I'm asking in the wrong forum since I'm a grumpy old grandpa, and not a mommy-type.

Great post. Got me smiling early today!

tripleZmom said...

You get $5 from adsense? :P And I say, cool on the lipbalms. I've gotten a "free membership" at a website that I would never use in a million years. Frankly, I am jealous of your success.

Anonymous said...

Crabmom, there's a little something-something waiting for you over at Tar Heel Ramblings when you have a free minute to stop by. said...

I memed you!


LobotoME said...

I'll send you some GOODS...just email me your crabtown pob.

tonypark said...

Got me a free satphone from Getaway Magazine for six months so I can blog (for them) from the lower Zambezi and darkest Barotseland on the next trip.

Schwag? Good word. Still waiting for my new Land Rover and will keep saying those two words until I get one.

Unknown said...

Sorry if this is duplicate or stupid question but, if "schwag" stands for "Stuff We All Get", then "SWAG" makes more sense, so how does the "C" and the "H" come into play is is it a pronunciation thing?

Amanda said...

You are soooo right, my dear! BUT i just loved the silly sound of SCHHHHHHwag.

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