Thursday, March 1, 2007

Goodnight Nobody

Family beds are for ninnies.

I am not talking about the willing co-sleeping arrangement (which is also for ninnies), I am talking about the NY Times piece today about the many reluctant co-sleepers, i.e., exhausted, peeved parents who still can’t get their much-too-old mites to stay in their bloody beds and thus the poor mom and dad sleep in a nest of small-people who spin around and -- as one parent described -- pluck out the chest-hairs of dad. A signature sleep move, indeed.

Yes, sleeping with your kids is apparently a commonplace nightmare:

Check it out. It is not only interesting on the sleep side of things but also quite fascinating to learn about the volleys of chicks making money as big-time sleep consultants in NY and LA. Like the director of Soho Parenting (what a name) who is also Pat the Bunny’s granddaughter.

Back to the ninny-point, from which I segued. Why, if only these parents would learn from my blog they might not have to pony up all that cashola to Pat the Bunny's granddaughter. Maybe if I continue blogging about my patented method, Slap Them to Sleep (trademark –dunno how to do the nifty TM sign on this crap keyboard, but picture it), I too can make a mint. And maybe I could actually help some of these families....Slap Them to Sleep TM is cheaper than Soho Parenting’s Pat Them To Sleep in Your Big Family Bed techniques (ok, I haven’t a clue what they do at Soho Parenting, but stay with me). And while Soho Parenting may well have its own array of nifty sleep strategies, at least at Crabmommy’s Wyoming School of Sleep we don’t incorporate something called a “sleeping pallet” into the family bedroom.

When you read the article, zoom in on the kids’ bedrooms in these Manhattan family homes. In particular, check out the giant pink palace with princess bed, larger than most apartments. But kinda scary for a kid to be in such a gigantic room, I say. Maybe that’s why they need the comfort of Mom and Dad. Perhaps the solution is just pop the child into the coat closet and make that the new bedroom, or a bureau-drawer, Kramer-style…

Ahhhh just come to me with your insomniac children, people. CLEARLY I know what I am taking about. Soho, bring me your tired, your weary parents and their spinning, chest-hair-plucking spawn and I shall solve all. Leave your sleep pallet at home. You won’t be needing it.


kim said...

Oh crabmommy, you are a mommy after my own heart. I am firm believer in the slap'em to sleep (oops Slap Them to Sleep tm) bed time routine :)

"Yes, sir mama", is the most commonly heard phrase in our home.

Crabmommy said...

Thanks for using the trademark. I am glad you found our method to be useful. As you know, all Crabmommy Methods come with 100% guarantee. As you may have seen with the whining post, if any of my advice doesn't work I will send you a bottle of cinnamon-toast-flavored syrup from Kellogg's. How many other mommybloggers can promise that? Much less Soho Parenting practices.

In all seriousness, thank you for the slap support. It is good to know one isn't alone in these matters. For -- tongue out of cheek now -- I definitely have had my doubts re. the spanking things and still am on the fence, truth be told. It's just nice to know it isn't JUST ME who swats the tiny bottom when nothing else seems to work. (I think where i live it is just me, though.)

Undomestic said...

Oh my, you are hilarious!

grunnio corocotta said...

I'm prospectively totally down with the Slap™ when it comes to that (spouse volente) ... have heard way too many stories of tiny inmates running the asylum at night; don't ever want to go there, ever ever ever. (Ours is still learning to crawl, so we haven't had to cross that bridge yet.)

But! (Und this is a very big but ...) I've had to rethink the co-sleeping-ninny thing. About 4 months in, I was talking about the travails of getting up 5 times a night with an Indian colleague (and parent) who said, "why don't you just let the baby sleep with you? You don't have to get up, the baby doesn't get anxious and doesn't wake up as much, etc. ..." and when I made a borderline snarky comment about hippies or something, said, "that's how most of the world does it, actually ... it's only a (finger quotes) 'co-sleeping' thing in (finger quotes) 'America.'" Which, I have to say, kind of rocked my world. And for the next couple of months, before we finally got serious about the Ferber method, I felt much better about pulling her into bed with us at 3am so we could all just get a few more hours' sleep. There weren't any bad effects. If we go Round 2 here in a year or so I would definitely consider the co-sleeping route for the first 3 or 4 months (but this time would wait no longer than 4 mos, tops, to begin the Ferber routine ... talk about a lifesaver). Pre-dawn kicks to daddy's jugular notwithstanding.

Jess said...

I love the blog: stating the obvious, which isn't all that obvious, because most mommies fear the obvious. That sometimes we don't want to be mommies. Sometimes we just want to be people. Reading your blog (which I found from the ad on, I spent most of the times laughing my ass off. You are a funny one-thanks for sharing in such brutal honesty.

Carrie said...

Love the blog! (I too found your blog through Dooce) I live in rural Montana and feel your pain. If I didn't have internet I would probably think I was the only one on earth that didn't think my babies poopy pants smelled like roses. God Bless you for being funny and cynical and telling it like it is. keep it up!

Crabmommy said...

Thanks for all the excellent comments. I feel i have found my people. Now I can carp less in the day and actually be mildly pleasant at home. Welcome undomestic, kim, carrie, and jess. Grunnio, you should clearly have your own blog because you always speak sense and eloquently and hilariously so. I am feeling so adoring of my readers right now I had better get offline before I betray my promises to keep up the whining.

Crabmommy said...

and my new dooce friends pass my bloglink on to your dooce-y-type mompals. and anyone else so inclined who hasn't been forced into this already -- please pass on to your mompals or dadpals or mannies or nannies or doulos. i need readership, my mates. blogheaps of it.