Sunday, November 25, 2007

A Crabmommy Xmas Newsletter

Now that Thanksgiving's behind us, it's time to get those holiday snaps printed up at Shutterfly (make sure you're all wearing matching J-Crew cableknit sweaters) and those holiday newsletters proofread for the mass-mailing. I just finished the first draft of my annual Crabfamily report and it goes something like this:

Whew! Can you believe how time flies? For the Crabfamily, it's truly astonishing to say "there goes another year of joy, achievement, growth (personal and financial)." But sure enough December is almost upon us, Santa is prepping his sleigh, and there's a touch of holiday magic in the air.

As you all know, having a toddler has been something of a challenge for Crabmommy, but by working positively and with self-control through the tough times, I'm proud to say that I now have a rather uniquely marvelous preschooler. Truly it is amazing what they teach us when we let them! Especially when they are as special and unusually kind as Crabtot, who voluntarily gave up her Radio Flyer toddler trike and a gently used sticker book so that the children of Iraq could have a special Christmas too.

If you want to read more, I'm afraid you'll have to hit the bloglet for the rest. But you can also stop right here, safe in the knowledge that my Christmas newsletter will contain the sort of heartfelt cheer that makes millions of people regurgitate annually across our fair nation.

I'm hardly the first to parody the Christmas newsletter. David Sedaris does it much better and many years sooner than I in his famous "Holiday Newsletter" (which, together with other essays such as the great "Santaland Diaries" makes "Holidays on Ice" the perfect stocking stuffer). There's also quite a fun website here, (thanks, A), containing the following choice excerpts of true and real egregious holiday newsletter transgressions:

Our daughter no longer colors, she designs . . .
[The daughter was three and a half, and not quite potty trained.]

Our daughter has mastered French. She isn't interested in Spanish and the school doesn't offer Russian, so she's taking Mandarin Chinese . . .
[Daughter who had mastered French was in the 9th grade.]


Got to love that one abut the little linguist. Crabmommy loves me a budding linguist. "She isn't interested in Spanish." Priceless!

The site also contains actual handy tips if you want to write something as silly as a holiday newsletter but haven't a clue as to how. And the author also offers a dizzyingly precise accounting of all of his past holidays newsletters and what makes them, in fact, top-notch. Not for the faint of heart, then. Enjoy!

9 comments:

MommyKnows said...

Thanks CM, I need some writing help!
MK

Jen said...

Oh, those holiday newsletters always crack me up! You have to be a politician to write one correctly. Like the years that you have no boyfriend, lost your job, and everything else is in the crapper..."I am taking some time for myself, to reflect, and discover which direction I will be lead in next, blabbity, blah".

Matter Of Fact Mommy said...

love you, crabmommy! keep it comin' and merry ho-ho-ho!

Lisa said...

Clicked on the link you provided for newletter hints. Did you see the false letters? Highly entertaining. The tips were great too.

Hope your holidays are happy.

WkSocMom said...

Hints from Holoise? Egads - those are worse than the brags ("you might find keeping your keys on the mail in the front room useful", ooh, how exciting!) I decided to send one, but husband decided he would write it, and it's mostly made up silly stuff :) But we do include movie and book recs.

crabmommy said...

wksocmom,
to be honest I didn't really go thru the site...just the bits I quoted... (that's called a lazy Crabmommy for you). On closer inspection he also starts mentioning churches, and we all know Crabmommy does not like me too much churchiness. Anyhoo, hope your Xmas newsletter works out well. Cheers!

Jill said...

I'm so glad I found your blog...hilarious. We received a Christmas letter from the 8-month-old's point of view...pure torture. Last year we also received one from a woman who had recently divorced her husband of 30years. It was all about how much she loved him but couldn't live with him anymore...again, pure torture. But I had fun quoting exerpts for the next few weeks.

james said...

Thanks a lot for a bunch of good tips. I look forward to reading more on the topic in the future. Keep up the good work! This blog is going to be great resource. Love reading it.
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Thanks a lot for a bunch of good tips. I look forward to reading more on the topic in the future. Keep up the good work! This blog is going to be great resource. Love reading it.

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